How to have hard conversations: The 4-step guide

How many times have you dreaded having a hard conversation, or over-thought how it might transpire in anticipation of it being difficult, uncomfortable, or unproductive? Maybe you’ve even talked yourself out of having the conversation altogether, or expended too much time and energy trying to come up with the right thing to say. The inevitability is that most of us will have a hard conversation at some point in the not too distant future. 

But do hard conversations really need to be so hard? My belief is that they don’t, and that there’s a lot to gain from staying in dialogue even when it feels uncomfortable. 

Let’s be honest, discomfort and disagreement are a part of life. So, how do we get better at navigating hard conversations, and what do we stand to gain?

Let’s explore the benefits of having hard conversations, as well as four practical approaches you can start using today to make your interactions more productive.

The Benefits of Being Able to Have Hard Conversations 

Whether you’re a leader, facilitator, or just a human in the world, you’re bound to encounter hard conversations. And I know most people’s natural inclination is to tense up and avoid them, or over-prepare and overthink in an effort to figure out how to avoid discomfort, but that’s not actually a helpful tool for navigating a scenario we know will come up again and again. In fact, leaning in and being willing to feel uncomfortable has a lot of benefits, like:

• Improved conflict resolution, which prevents issues from escalating or lasting longer than they need to, and fosters a more resilient and positive environment 

• More effective communication skills, which leads to better relationships, more understanding, and better collaboration

• More innovative problem-solving thanks to an ability to navigate challenging discourse and embrace diverse perspectives

These benefits are especially important if you’re in a leadership role. Leaders who embrace navigating difficult conversations can guide their teams through change, unlock creative potential, and promote better clarity and alignment. 

Practical Tips for Navigating Hard Conversations

All of this sounds great, right? So how do we do it? 

In my professional work as a facilitator and my personal work being human in the world, I’ve found a few helpful tools for making tough conversations better.

1. Reframe your attitude 

Oftentimes, we expect people to think like us and present their views in a way that feels comfortable to us. And when that doesn’t go accordingly, we become frustrated with differing viewpoints and communication styles. Hence why the conversation feels hard.

 But what if we stopped labeling “hard conversations” as such and just approached them as “conversations” (full stop)?

This reframing might feel subtle – or maybe it feels radical – but if you can shift your mind to not only be open to but also expect difference, this will go a long way in reducing your stress in conversation. It will also lend you the rich opportunity to deepen understanding, gain perspective, and potentially learn something new. 

2. Adopt a curiosity mindset 

Instead of rushing towards a resolution when you find yourself in a sticky conversation, see it as an opportunity for exploration. What would happen if you stayed in the gray, messy, ambiguous space? Can you go into a conversation with an aim to understand your conversation partner before expressing your own thoughts and ideas?

When you practice patience and adopt a curiosity mindset, it creates an opportunity to emerge with something new that could never have been possible if you were more focused on “winning” the conversation than exploring the terrain together.

In my facilitation work in particular, I’ve found that some people discount their own ideas too quickly in order to reach resolution, while others have a hard time taking on the perspectives of others. But when you approach conversations from a curiosity mindset, you’ll find collaboration and conversation are much easier (more on the curiosity mindset here).

3. Get calm

When we anticipate a conversation will be hard, our heart rate elevates and our fight-or-flight mode activates. My recommendation here is to slow down, pause, and take time to cool off before having the conversation. Rushing into it means you may miss an important opportunity to explore or deepen understanding of one another. 

A relaxed mindset will also create space to consider new ideas. If we’re “coming in hot” with our own agenda, it makes it really hard to practice the curiosity mindset, or uncover new ways of solving the problem at hand.

Maybe the first step for you is to simply notice when you’re already a little heated. In those instances, intentionally choose to delay the conversation, call, or meeting, if possible. Don’t push it off indefinitely, but avoid having dialogue when you’re feeling elevated.

If you can’t delay the dialogue but find yourself getting carried away, ask to take a moment to step out to gather your thoughts, or simply say you need to go to the restroom. Nobody needs to know you’re doing some deep breathing in the stall, but everybody will benefit if you give yourself that space.

4. Bring notes

Sometimes we have ideas we want to share, but lose sight of them or get befuddled once we’re in the room and the conversation is underway. Usually, it’s only afterward that we realize we didn’t get to cover the important things that mattered to us, which can leave things feeling unresolved.

If you identify as this type of communicator, consider bringing notes to your hard conversations. It’s 100% fair game and something I do in work and in life. Think of this as a way to organize your thoughts and consider them before you’re in the room, and to remember to refer to them once you’re in conversation. Knowing you’ve got your notes can reduce the stress of trying to recall everything in the moment.

If you find yourself trying this on, also open yourself up to rewriting your points or jotting down notes as you learn throughout your conversation – you may even change your mind completely. You never know. 

These Conversations Make Us Better Leaders, Facilitators, and Humans

If we can shift our perspective from viewing hard conversations as inherently difficult and instead view them simply as conversations, we can radically change the way we engage in dialogue with our peers, partners, bosses, in-laws, and beyond. Not only will it make communication more productive, but it will also open us up to better collaboration, ideation, and alignment.