Lessons learned from quitting Facebook and Instagram 3.5 years ago
It was a beautiful morning in June and I was sitting in my bed crying.
I’d just come across an Instagram post from a person I knew in high school who had tragically lost one of his children. I was gutted for him and his family.
As I climbed out of bed and headed downstairs to be with my own family, my heart ached for his. I remembered him to be charismatic, kind, magnetic – the kind of guy who had many friends in his circle.
But we hadn’t spoken, emailed, or texted directly in 15 years. I simply followed him on Instagram.
As my morning progressed and my sadness deepend, I started grappling with the realization that I didn’t truly know this person any more. I had been relying on social media to give me the feeling of being connected with people and events, but there wasn’t actually any substance to show for it.
I also realized that this former friend – who absolutely deserved love, empathy, and compassion – was probably getting a lot of support from the important people in his life. I was no longer one of those people and hadn’t been for a long time, so how was my sadness helping anyone?
This was a major light-bulb moment for me: I was holding too much emotional space for battles that weren’t mine, which impacted my ability to show up in my own life for the people who I love and have deep relationships with.
I realized I had fallen prey to the bottomless scrolling potential of Facebook and Instagram, and that it drew too much of my emotional bandwidth, leaving me feeling empty inside too often.
So, it was in this moment – June 13th, 2020, to be exact – that I decided to make a change.
I quit Instagram. I also quit Facebook. I quit using social media as a way to “socialize” with people I don’t see or know on a personal level. I quit trying to hold it all.
The decision came to me with clarity, but it wasn’t exactly easy. I felt conflicted over giving up my “connection” to extended relatives. I knew I would experience FOMO. And I knew it might change some of my relationships.
After 3.5 years, I’ve held strong. And yes, it was worth it.
If you’re grappling with the idea of a social-media purge of your own, there are a few things you should know, and that’s what I’m sharing today.
I’ll open up about the initial change and impact on my brain, along with some longer-term effects I’ve noticed.
I’ll also share some practices for navigating social media when it feels like a necessary evil. For example, I decided that Twitter/X and LinkedIn were critical to supporting my business goals as an entrepreneur. You may also have a few platforms that are necessary to your work, so I’ll share some things I’ve found helpful for managing that relationship.
What to expect if you quit: The fallout and feelings of FOMO
Here’s what was most salient for me during the first six months after quitting social media and deleting the apps from my devices:
I felt compelled to scroll and found myself substituting other platforms to get my “fix.” I’d unconsciously scroll Next Door and news apps, recreating the same numbing feeling that I found in social media. It took noticing this substitution and then ongoing conscious awareness to use those apps with purpose rather than as a distraction.
I wondered if my friends were doing cool stuff that I should know about, but then I remembered that we could always text / call / talk in person about the things that mattered.
I had to come up with conversation starters that weren’t “Hey I saw you did ____ on IG, tell me all about it.”
I felt like I was in the dark on things in my social circle. Everyone would know about something that had happened and I wouldn’t….unless I was told.
This part wasn’t exactly easy, but I kept reminding myself of the purpose of the change: I wanted to have more emotional bandwidth for the people who are actually IN my life.
Which leads me to the next section. Swapping the scrolling for more intentional action is one of the things that had a huge impact.
Five things to do instead of mindlessly scrolling*
*The brain wants breaks. Scrolling isn’t a break. It’s a drain.
1. Find flow
The drain is real, we all know it. But when we’re in the scroll, it’s so….relaxing (or maybe it’s fake relaxing?). It can be confused for a flow state, but scrolling doesn’t do the beneficial things that flow does for us. What does? A relaxing zone-out activity you enjoy that is optimally placed in your household for immediate gratification: puzzles, doodling, coloring books, knitting, crosswords, word finds, paint by number, or whatever you fancy (and if you don’t fancy something, I encourage you to explore and find something that you do fancy).
Put that sh*t in a prime location (the mess is worth it), and do it whenever your brain needs a break or when you long to scroll. If you feel like you don’t have time to waste, think about how much time you spend not only scrolling, but giving away your energy to the stories you don’t have space to hold.
2. Clean up
How many of you can relate to the feeling of endless household chores piling up? If my last tip didn’t feel actionable enough for you, take a micro-cleaning break during the day as an alternative to mindless scrolling. I’ve discovered that a lot can be cleaned up in 10-15 mins and tackling an area (like my kid’s craft bin), or shelf (like the snack shelf), leaves me feeling so satisfied, relaxed, and accomplished. So much better than a face-in-phone moment.
3. Read books
Seemingly obvious? Yes. Often done? No.
Keep a handful of books within easy reach. Whenever you get the urge to scroll, read a chapter or page instead. I like to have some nonfiction books on topics I am interested in, as well as an easy-to-read fiction book that feels effortless. I also like to have poetry and short passage books handy for when I want a dose of inspiration. I find them so much more stimulating than Instagram ever was.
4. Meditate or walk around the block and breathe
This one might be annoying and the last thing you want to include on your list. I get it. But my mindfulness moments are becoming some of my favorite and most restorative. A break with social media would leave me feeling more scattered upon return whereas a break to focus on my breath and quieting my mind does the opposite. This active rest helps me pick back up on whatever I’m doing with more clarity and focus.
5. Connect
I know that the pull to social media was often about the promise of connection. I’d be feeling lonely or wanting to commiserate with someone and I’d log on hoping to get that need met. But logging on would fake me out, tricking me into thinking I’d get what I needed.
As we know now, we rarely find quality connection within these platforms. Instead, people mostly come away feeling more alone, insecure, inadequate, and exhausted from expending energy without positive, impactful reciprocation.
Now, instead of scrolling when I want connection, I text or call a friend. I have weekly phone conversations with my friend, Nan, a Thursday text exchange with my friend, Jen, and regular voice-memo rallies with my friend Latricia.
Admittedly, it took some practice and time to get into a rhythm with my friends. I recommend communicating proactively with the people you love about what you’re up to. Let them know that you value connection and want to be sure to touch base regularly with them. Tell them you’re not on social media anymore (but be sure not to shame them if they are!), and are working on establishing more intentional ways of connecting.
Longer-term impacts: Nourishing a social life with real connection
Here’s the thing: getting out of the hold and promise of the social-media scroll wasn’t easy at first, but I can say confidently that it was worth it and I won’t be going back.
The biggest gifts for me are:
A better brain
Better relationships
Tips for managing your relationship with bottomless social media
When I broke up with my Facebook and Instagram accounts, I didn’t break up with the internet. And with the internet, there’s really no way to avoid the bottomless pit of modern media. Most of us need it in some capacity to operate, whether for work, helping kids with homework, education, and so on.
All of these places are designed to capture our attention. My mission is to stay above the noise and not be held hostage. Through deliberate choice and practice, I’ve (mostly) succeeded.
Here’s what I suggest to help you do the same:
1. Determine your purpose
What’s your mission? To buy something? To read the headlines? To publish a blog post?
When you go online, take just a half a second to think about why and keep that task in mind. Aim to complete what you’ve set out to accomplish, then leave without getting lost.
As I mentioned earlier, I knew I would need to keep Twitter/X and LinkedIn in order to run my business, but I made a deal with myself: no personal use or mindless scrolling. Each time I interact with one of these platforms, I have a purpose and an exit strategy.
2. Desktop only
The internet in your pocket might be your best friend when you’re trying to get to that new restaurant for dinner, but it’s your worst enemy when you’re trying to change your relationship with the infinite scroll. Remove as many apps from your phone as possible (yes, I even deleted the email app from my phone). Remember, you can always add them back. It might be a pain in the butt to do so, but that’s the point.
3. Subscribe to things you want to read
Email can also be a dangerous place where time slips away, but I’ve been using email as a tool to stay up to date on relevant happenings with organizations and thought leaders I’m interested in. I sign up for their email lists and ignore them throughout the week (sometimes longer). Then I designate time to read through them, see if there’s anything of interest, and read further from there.
4. Schedule & time-box your media moments
Similar to designating time to go through the newsletters I receive, I also designate time to check my work channels: LinkedIn, Twitter, Medium, Slack. Each day, I quickly review and respond if necessary, and then I get out. I don’t try to scroll through all of the latest content or keep up with content creators on every platform. I am not always successful with my mission-mode approach – at times I get sucked in – but being deliberate has made a huge difference.
In conclusion
The decision to quit using social media has had a huge impact on my emotional well-being and ability to connect with the people who truly matter in my life. Eliminating mindless scrolling and adding more intentional activities, such as finding flow, micro-cleaning, books, meditating, and connecting through more meaningful conversations has resulted in long-term positive effects and a more nourishing social life based on genuine connections. And who doesn’t want more of that?